I Just Learned What Common Core Math Is And My Mind Is In A Labyrinth

I’d heard the phrase “common core” here and there, but until today I never actually knew what the practice entailed. I’ve spent a good portion of the morning Googling equations and explanations and I gotta tell you, this is the most backward ass shit I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Maybe my brain is just at capacity and has decided it will never comprehend new things, like your grandfather and gay marriage, but I can’t make a lick of sense out of this.

I’ve always had fears about the day my kid came home and I couldn’t help him with his homework. I caught a few episodes of “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” back in the day and always assumed that would be the turning point, as I often got my ass kicked by those kids. But upon learning this, I think it’ll be much earlier than that. My kid’s gonna come home from kindergarten and I’m gonna have to say, “Yeah I have no idea how to do that addition.” I may have to home school them and give them a taste of my legendary teaching method which is, “Just do it. I can’t explain it any clearer than that. 32 minus 12. Just do it. It’s easy. I’m a moron and I know how to do it so you should be able to too”

Some people are tweeting me that common core is easier to do in your head but I don’t see how that’s remotely possible. First of all, I have a calculator with me at all times in my cellphone so fuck doing math in your head. That teacher you had who always said “You’re not always gonna have a calculator with you” was a fucking liar. She didn’t have the vision that Steve Jobs did. Second of all, how is doing a million mini problems any easier than doing one problem? There are way too many equations to keep track of in one brain on that paper.

All in all this is one of the dumbest things society has ever invented. It’s more useless than a pet rock and more dangerous than the atomic bomb. It makes no sense at all and the second my kid asks me to explain it I will turn into Lucille Bluth and say “I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it.”